


you are not a monster

by killjoyfart



Category: Little Mix (Band)
Genre: Amputation, Angst, Body Image, Car Accidents, Depression, Disabled Character, F/F, Physical Disability, Prosthesis, implied traffic accident, robot arm, that is a thing okay, this is all very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-10
Updated: 2014-06-10
Packaged: 2018-02-04 04:40:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1765822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killjoyfart/pseuds/killjoyfart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Dehumanisation was a word none of Jesy's therapists had recommended her using and she was pretty sure people who knew things about wording would not like it, but it was the only word that seemed appropriate. After all, that was what she had become - less like a human and more of a robot.</em><br/> <br/>or; an accident leaves Jesy with a robotic arm. The process of accepting herself is long, frightening and fucking shitty.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you are not a monster

**Author's Note:**

> i blame Nina (velocilaptop//tumblr) and her robot obsession for this tbh

The most frightened Jesy had ever been was when she first woke up without an arm. Not even waking up directly after the accident, with her entire body throbbing with pain and her head filled up with questions had been worse.  
    Waking up and knowing that she never would get her right arm back, never would be able to live the life she had lived before the accident, not even knowing if she could manage to keep living, it truly was the most terrible thing.

Jade was there, though, and it made everything better as well as it made things worse. The relief of Jade not leaving her, not being grossed out and walking away was amazing; but even stronger was the nagging feeling of fear and distress.

At any moment, Jade could get tired of helping Jesy, tired of holding her when she had her anxiety attacks, or just not want to be seen around her.  
Jesy, the woman who lost her arm and got an artificial arm welded to the nerve endings of her shoulder. Jesy, the woman with the robot arm, the one who was barely human.

The very first time Jesy had tried to control the arm by her own mental impulses, she had passed out from the exhaustion and disappointment. It went straight to hell, the disgusting arm did not react whatsoever and she cried herself to sleep.

The worst thing was everybody trying to understand but not being able to. Jade wanted to make it better by little awkward touches and words, but Jesy didn't want her to feel like she needed to be close to her, not with all the black, smelly bitterness and frustation in her mind and the seemingly dead robot arm at her side.

So instead she fought shy of it all, pretended to sleep whenever Jade was at home and avoided other people. It was easier not talking to others at all than trying to ignore the bulky and very obvious body part.  
    Jesy didn't feel comfortable calling it a body part, but those were the words every doctor and therapist wanted her to use. Jesy had chosen to undergo this form of treatment, and yet she refused to accept the consequences. The arm was repulsive, uncooperative and constantly attracting attention.  
    Most of all, she wanted to rip it off, electrodes, magnets and all, but she knew just how much she couldn't do that.

Despite regular physical progress it never really got better. Jesy rather felt even more distant to the arm that was made to replace her own. It didn't feel like a part of her, although different, like it had the first few weeks.  
    She learnt how to make simple movements such as lifting the arm above her head, she could move the fingers to such an extent that it made it possible for her to wave, stroke her hair away from her face (if she was careful not to poke her eyes out) and even drinking out of a glass very slowly.

All of this should have made her happy and excited. She should have gotten used to the thought of living with this new arm now that she was somewhat able to use it. Despite all of this, it felt wrong. Very wrong.

Jesy started to hide not only the arm, but all of her body beneath layers and layers of clothes she would never have allowed within a five feet distance away from herself before the accident.  
But since literally everything else had changed after the accident, it made sense her style of dress wouldn't be the same either.

Jesy had been warned by therapists and psychiatrists so many times she really should have been prepared. She had been told about phantom pain sensations, nightmares, depression, anxiety, hallucinations and all sorts of side effects and complications due to dehumanisation.  
    Dehumanisation was a word none of Jesy's therapists had recommended her using and she was pretty sure people who knew things about wording would not like it, but it was the only word that seemed appropriate. After all, that was what she had become - less like a human and more of a robot.  
    Something almost human, but not entirely, a hybrid. An unnatural feature in the live world, something that shouldn't be there but was anyway, stealing oxygen and space from the really living.

Because that's what she was doing, absorbing and swallowing all light and happy feelings but not getting any of it for herself.

She noticed Jade trying, all the time. How she tried to be cheerful, do her best to support and ease but Jesy ruined it, again and again.

They were like two little girls on a beach, one of them trying to build a sand castle and the other one insisting on constantly crushing the castle while at the same time kicking dirt in the castle-building girl's face - the only difference being that a stubborn and mean child would still be more human than Jesy was right now.   
She was like a monster, a horrendous creature in a beautiful world, and it wasn't even her intention.

Jade had tried to speak to her now and then but mostly it just hurt. It was obvious Jade meant so well, but Jesy just couldn't do it. She didn't want to let her girlfriend in, not to the awful insides of herself, not to the monster.

They didn't even sleep in the same bed any more, following a somewhat mutual decision during one of those hesistant, wary conversations.

 

Jesy no longer had any perception of time. She only knew the darkness inside of her had been there for too long, feeding on hope and growing even larger than the actual problems regarding the arm.  
    She had a feeling it had to be summer outside, though, since Jade came home wearing ever thinner blouses and shorter trousers. Jesy herself had not worn anything else than dark, baggy clothes since the accident.

When Jade sat down beside her on the sofa, Jesy barely reacted until she spoke, and something inside of Jesy tore as she realised just how much she had missed her voice.

“Do you understand that it's been six months?”

No, Jesy didn't.

“I'm sorry if I don't sound all happy and cheering any longer, but this seriously doesn't work. Oh my God what a cliché - but we need to talk. For real.”

Jesy felt her stomach turning but put both her arms around herself, the warm skin-coated one and the cool, artificial one with the metal fingers.

“Do it. Talk.”

As soon as she realised how dismissing the words turned out to sound and saw Jade's expression immediately harden, she felt like punching herself.

Jade drew a breath. It wasn't a deep, shaky breath but a small, cautious one.

“You think you're a monster. You hate the new arm, but you hate what it made you turn into even more. You are disappointed with yourself,”

Jade drew another breath, this time with the faintest hint of tremble to it.

“And you think that I have stopped loving you.”

Jesy wanted to say something but had no idea what to. She felt her face heat up and cold tears starting to run over her cheeks, and raised her right hand to wipe them away. The robot arm with the stiff metal fingers.

Jade continued, even quieter, but more determined.

“Not one thing out of those is true. You are not a monster and I have never stopped loving you. Don't you understand?”

Memories of how Jesy had thought Jade would leave her returned, soaked her like a suffocating waterfall and at the same time, just like fresh air, came the real, warm memories of all the times Jade had been there. Never leaving her. Never saying anything about the arm, never being disgusted or hesitant to asisst her.  
Always being Jade, being there and trying to break through the walls neither of them meant to set up, even as the monster inside of Jesy was about to destroy both of their lives.

She realised it was not going to be this easy to make it all right again, Jesy really did. But maybe this first step towards trying was all it took.

Jesy reached out for Jade. And a living, warm and oh so fond hand met the artificial one with its wires and stiff fingers.

“You are just as alive as you've always been. Just as beautiful, intact, precious and alive. Don't you see?”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! also if you find any weird mistakes (i originally wrote this for swedish class so i wouldn't be surprised) please tell me so!


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